I’m finally home. My trip to California wasn’t that long, but it felt long enough. I’m a creature of routine — I prefer my own food, my own bed, and scheduling workouts on my terms. Traveling for work and visiting friends makes that harder to maintain.
In case you missed it, I’m working on a project in California and will be traveling back and forth for a few months. The trip was productive and inspiring, but I ate a ton — far more than usual. By the last day, food didn’t taste as good anymore. That’s my signal that I’ve overdone it. I rarely get tired of food — I run a food blog, after all — so when it starts to depress me, I know something needs to change.
Lately I’ve been wrestling with body-image issues I thought I’d left behind. I grew up dealing with many body struggles and disordered eating. When I discovered CrossFit and the paleo lifestyle, a lot of that pain eased. But as my routine shifted from multiple heavy CrossFit sessions a day to a mix of spinning, running, and CrossFit on different days, my body has changed again. In some ways I welcome it; in others I resist it. It feels like my body is always in flux, never settling into a comfortable place. The challenge is finding balance.
But is the problem my body, or is it me who can’t find balance?
These questions follow me regardless of size or shape. I catch myself scrutinizing the mirror and feeling intense dislike for what I see. The word “hate” is extreme — something I would never direct at another person — yet it’s how I sometimes feel about my own reflection. That’s unsettling. Am I chasing an unattainable ideal, constantly searching for something different or better because I expect more? Is this a natural human tendency to want more, or am I uniquely prone to this frustration and compelled to overshare it with friends? I try to hold it in because I know it can be upsetting for others to hear, but the feelings build up.
They’ve built up enough that I need to let them out.
Sometimes it feels like I want something to complain about, something to feel sorry for myself over. Why is that? Am I immature, young, insecure, or all of the above? I don’t have a definitive answer. No therapist, friend, or partner can tell me — it’s something I need to come to terms with on my own.
Here’s what I do know: I never want food or exercise to become enemies. Both have, at times, crossed into harmful territory in my life, and I refuse to let that happen again. Food and movement have given me more joy than I imagined possible, and I’m determined to protect that relationship. I am responsible for changing how I see myself. I am the one who can look back in the mirror and cultivate a kinder, more positive inner voice for the person I see.
That’s my update for today. I’ll step down from my soapbox for now.
And no, I don’t think this is just premenstrual angst — I wish that were the simple explanation.
Thanks for listening. You’re honestly one of my favorites, whoever you are.